The onslaught of not-age-appropriate influences in Will’s life has spurred endless questions as The Little Man deals with difficult concepts of good and bad… who are good guys, who are bad guys, why are people bad, why don’t Superheros always save hurt people, who goes to jail, and so on.
This has been a very complicated venture. It’s involved conversations like this:
“Mommy, Spiderman is not real?”
“That’s right, Will. Superheros are not real people. They are stories, made up, in our imaginations.”
“But if we’re bit by a Super-spider, we can turn into a Superhero.”
Well, I guess that would be true. What could I say to that?
When the Birds were in town, Paul took Will with him to the D-Day Museum with friend Mike (a Bird husband) — our thought process was that Will would fascinated by the planes and assorted equipment. And he was… when he wasn’t walking into a movie showing someone being blown up with napalm. (First thing he said to me when I picked them up — Will: “Mommy, Daddy showed me a scary movie.” Paul: “I’ve filled my quota of questions until Will is 14.”)
This, combined with the “good” and “bad” Spiderman (how he learned that there is a good and bad Spiderman — something that I understand is part of the third movie? — I do not know) and the exposure to ideas of heroism and war, started making strong dichotomies within Will’s thinking. That there were “good guys” and “bad guys.” That “good guys” fight the “bad guys” and “put them in jail” or “shoot them with shooters” or “kill them.”
All very troublesome to his pacifist parents. I got jumpy even typing the words.
How do we teach respect for service men and women without glorifying conflict? How do we teach that “good” and “bad” are not so black and white, and that there is not some enemy that good is always out to conquer? Difficult concepts for most adults, let alone 3-year olds.
So we moved to a new plan. Here’s how it goes. There are no “bad guys.” There are only PEOPLE — like all of us are people — and we can choose to do THINGS that are GOOD, or THINGS that are BAD. When adults choose to do THINGS that are BAD, other people like police and soldiers have to work to make them NOT do BAD THINGS. This is why we have jail and why adults have BIG FIGHTS. The fights are something that is VERY HARD and VERY SAD. When children do BAD things, parents and teachers help the children to learn which things are BAD and how to make GOOD choices to do GOOD THINGS. This is the new party line.
It came in very handy tonight, when Will chose to do a BAD THING.
He pooped in Granna and PapPap’s pool. More than that, when he paused quietly and Paul asked him if he needed to poop (he had a “look”) and I followed with asking him if he WAS, in fact, pooping just then — he said “no.” Which was a lie. A full-on LIE. A very BAD THING.
So, after a not-so-pleasant discovery, clean-up, and shower, Will went on to the massive apologizing and talking that one would expect to follow such a serious misstep in behavior. And all this stuff about people making choices — choices which can be good and choices which can be bad — and that Will made a supremely bad choice. Both in pooping, and more importantly, in not telling the truth about it.
He seemed pretty darn sorrowful about the whole thing, but I wasn’t completely sure if he was upset about his choices, or about getting caught. Then, after a story (about a Sweet Pickles character who lies), a talk, and a straight-to-bed sort of bedtime (that still included a sweet song and hugs and I love you — I’m not a completely heartless Mother), Will had a sobbing breakdown. Paul and I had stepped out to run an errand, leaving my Mom to handle it. Her report was that Will was crying and crying for us — wanted to cuddle, to generally know that everything was okay, to get our acceptance. As much as I hate the thought of him crying, I admit that I am happy to hear it — maybe there is a good side to all of this good guy bad guy talk. Maybe he is really starting to understand the idea of thinking about the choices we make. This alone is the kind of breakthrough all parents of three-year olds crave: the THOUGHT process… actual thinking before doing. Could it be possible that Will may actually start to do this in the near future?
