I have: A topic. A relevant, unanswered research question. A good study location. Contacts (good ones) in that study location. A generous potential (likely) funder with an approaching deadline. A good committee.
What I realized last week that I *don’t* have: The all-encompassing drive and obsession to do said study.
In a big “oh shit” moment, I realized that while I’ve been pursuing all that makes sense in terms of laying out a dissertation, thinking that my “ah-ha” moment would come along the way, the bottom line is that there has been no epiphany. No sudden relevation, no “Portrait of the Artist” moment of looking out at a girl on the beach, no moment of deeper meaning, of knowing. In truth, my life is very much constructed by these watershed experiences. I look to them to supply the incredible drive that characterizes who I am. Without that drive, I lose a little hutzpah.
All of this explains a little of why I’ve been in the dulldrums lately. I do find myself wondering if my lack of spark is a pregnancy thing. Am I just too tired to feel motivated? Is being back in New Orleans, in the house, neighborhood, and city I love, too overwhelming? Carl, my chair extraordinaire, faced my admission of funk with usual foritude: “Your reactions are perfectly normal.” I spent the last week deciding whether or not to submit… Carl’s suggestion: submit if you think you might want to do it, don’t submit if it’s a definite that you don’t.
The bottom line is that I can’t decide anything right now, so I’m not submitting. Paul and I spoke long about this — it pushes back our return to Peru* and even puts our return in question. I think I just need time. The plan was always to take the summer off to be with the baby. I’ll reconnect more formally to the University for work in the fall and go from there. It’s a radical move off the track that I so carefully and thoughtfully laid out. (I’m not following the plan!) The whole thing has made me feel like a total flake. (Loving friend’s response: “Ha. You, Holly, are hardly a flake.“)
Pushing the possibility of “flake” a little further, I’ll paraphrase Barbie: Dissertations are hard.
*An aside on the subject of our going back to Peru: anyone following the elections? I have to admit being a little worried. Having been evacuated from India, I’m a little sensitive. We are watching with serious interest.
Violet | 19-Apr-06 at 7:08 am | Permalink
Ummm, Holly . . . you are about to give birth, at a time when your home is in complete construction chaos. . . go easy on yourself, OK? It’s OK to put things on hold until you get through these temporary challenges and the energy returns. At this point in your pregnancy you are using all your energy just to get around. Go gently for a month or so and things will be OK.
Remember, “life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.”
eli | 19-Apr-06 at 9:59 am | Permalink
I second your friend…You are hardly a flake. Look at life this way:
You are about to become a mother of two children–the toughest and most rewarding job on the planet.
You have been living with tons of questions about your living space for months.Dealing with important LIFE issues.
Some choices don’t have huge AHA’s some do, maybe the AHA here is everything is ready to go except you because it’s not the right time.
Take the time to enjoy Miss Kate when she arrives and build the relationship with her and watch Will become the big brother.
You will do the right thing at the right time for the right purpose. Lots of people out there go throught the all but the D part of their pursuit for years.
I believe in you and your ability to do this. Take the time to enjoy life.
HUGS and HAPPINESS
Holly | 20-Apr-06 at 12:42 pm | Permalink
Thank you for the kind words! It helps to hear them. I know it would feel so much better to have applications in before the baby comes so that my time off is a natural and rational pause… I’m not good with the drifting thing, it makes me anxious. If nothing else, I have learned that being a parent challenges everything about me and I have had to learn to adapt in surprising ways. Maybe the challenge here is to find a way to rest when every inch of me is anxious, worried, and hungry to figure out my next steps towards the PhD. It seems that I will have to find a way to be okay with taking time in the middle of uncertainity… and not look at it as a personal defeat, setback, or show of weakness (which is what it feels like!) One of my friends said that it showed strong character and good public health sense to back away and look for the inspirational drive and that this was a hallmark of quality professionals in our field… I’m ready to brand this on my arm as words to live by!