Holiday Fat

After 16 plus years of being a strict vegetarian (only occasionally would he even eat Lucky Charms), Paul began to eat meat again around the time that Kate was born.

Having already given up vegetarianism a few months before (uncontrollable anemia during my pregnancy was the catalyst — that, and I’d already re-introduced the entryway drug, fish, into my diet when we moved to New Orleans), I didn’t think that there would be a huge change in our eating habits. After all, I was eating meat again and it didn’t seem like a big change.

But Paul. Wow, Paul. When that boy fell off the wagon, he fell off HARD. Now, his life is neatly summed up in this xkcd chart:

Paul is the bacon-cook of the house (I showed no talent for this particular skill early on and formally resigned those duties), so the 1% of the time Paul cooks, it’s bacon. He cooks a pound of it in a pot (“it’s the way they did it in the Grand Canyon”) and then proceeds to eat the entire pot, using a spatula to scoop out any missed crumbles at the bottom.

The upside to this is that now I have ideas on what to get him for Christmas. I thought that I was on track for a non-cholesterol-raising holiday. Then we had this (censored) conversation this morning:

“So, I think the present that I want to give you is going to go down in price after Christmas. How do you feel about exchanging presents later?”

“When I asked you to play a Wii, I wasn’t suggesting you buy anything.”

[Side note: Did I mention that Paul likes to search my computer for signs of what I’m trying to get him for Christmas?]

“[edited] Fine, then. No presents for you, gift spoiler.”

He completely spoiled my surprise, but how can I not have something special for him on Christmas morning? Something more exciting than the socks that currently represent the sum total of what Paul will receive from his loving wife and children. Then it occurred to me: I can bestow upon my favorite meat-eater the gift of bacon! Here are some bacon ideas I’ve found.

Uncle Oinker’s Bacon Mints. “Just for the sheer joy of handing someone a bacon flavored mint!”

Bacon Scented Bacon Print Tuxedo. “You can get married in bacon, get confirmed in bacon or go to the Oscars in bacon!”

Bacon Flavored Toothpicks. “Arm yourself with invigorating pig freshness and the confidence that you can take on the world.”

Maple Bacon Morning Coffee. “Reminiscent of a hearty Saturday morning breakfast around the table, this sweet, savory coffee delights the senses with the smell and taste of home!”

Bacon Air Freshner. “Put one up in the family room and everyone will have a sudden craving for a BLT.”

Bacon Strips Bandaids. “Bacon Strips are cut to look like small slabs of bacon.”

Maple Bacon Lollipops. “The salty chunks of bacon make a delicious and unique counterpoint to the subtle sweetness of the maple, and oh, yeah- you’ll be eating an oh-my-god bacon lollipop!”

Bacon Floss. “Now you can improve your dental hygiene while enjoying the amazing flavor of crispy fried bacon. Is there anything bacon can’t improve?”

Bacon Wallet. “Sleek, yet meaty.”

Bacon Gift-wrap. “Start wrapping in style!”

A Chocolate bar of Bacon. “Rub your thumb over the chocolate bar to release the aromas of smoked applewood bacon flirting with deep milk chocolate.”

Wake-n-Bacon. “This clock gently wakes you up with the mouthwatering aroma of bacon, just like waking up on a Sunday morning to the smell of Mom cooking breakfast. Unless you’re Jewish.”

And of course, a variety of Bacon-of-the-Month-Clubs. Including one offered through The Grateful Plate and one through The Pig Next Door.

Just in case you get bacon overload and aren’t sure what to do with it all, you can always make Bacon Soap.

Finally, if this just isn’t enough and you need more bacon-inspired recipes, products, or advice, you can turn to Mr. Bacon Pants (Alejna, this one is for you) at