War on Mom

I am a very hated Mommy, so says my son, who has decided to declare all out war against me.

He’s been very difficult lately in general.  Argumentative, stubborn, lashing out.  Combined with his sleeping in until 7:30 most days and a complaint that his ear “was popping”, I was suspecting an ear infection or possibly swimmer’s ear: irritability is his major symptom when he has something wrong with his ears.  But there has been no fever and no other real symptoms.

By all accounts, he is doing great in school… except he has been expressing anxiety over one classmate that has extraordinary behavioral challenges.  The school is doing their best, but when you have a child with severe problems and parents that lack the skills or ability to handle it, it can make the entire classroom suffer.  While I have not personally observed first hand how this child impacts the class during the main school day, by Will’s own accounts, it can be a blight on an otherwise good day.  (Paul has seen the child at a birthday party and was absolutely floored at the extent of the problem.)  Will has asked repeatedly if he can stay home specifically to stay away from this child.  We’ve spoken with the school and know that they are doing their best, but at the same time, we are concerned about Will.

Now I am wondering whether what is happening at school is impacting his behavior at home?  Do older kids learn defiance and backtalk from watching other kids?  Or is what we are seeing from Will a normal part of being 4?  It’s not like he hasn’t had difficult moments before.

Last night, Paul was away working and I was alone for dinner, baths, and putting the kids to bed.  We all had enjoyed a nice night.  Will ate a great dinner, had a treat, and asked for ‘tea with milk and sugar’ which I happily made for him.  He asked me to sit with him at the table to talk while he had his tea and I obliged.  I got Kate down and then went for Will, who was suppose to be cleaning up Legos that he’d been asked to clean up hours before (after I removed several pieces from Kate’s mouth).  But when I went to get him, Will was watching TV and Legos were still surrounding him.  I turned off the TV and he lost it.  First he threw Legos at me.  Then, when I went to pick him up and bring him straight to bed, he proceeded to alternate between going limp and kicking.  Actually kicking me.  He said a range of hurtful things and when placed in his bed, defiantly jumped out.  Several times over.

Finally, I said: “Will, as of right now, you are not having a birthday party.”  He froze.  And as I walked out of the room, the wail started.  It lasted about 10 minutes and then, after another 10 minutes or so of silence, he walked out of his room and said, “I’m sorry Mommy.”

“Thank you, Will,” I said, “now go back to bed.”

This morning we talked about last night’s incident.  I asked him to recount the progression of events and he did so with great accuracy.  He knew exactly what he did wrong and was appropriately sorry.  I explained that when he acted inappropriately, in ways that he knew were not acceptable, that it broke the trust we have.  And that in order to do fun things, we had to have trust — to know that he wasn’t going to act out or do something that would get him or someone else hurt.  So, I explained that, “if he didn’t show us that he could be trusted to behave appropriately, that we could not risk having a birthday party.” He got it.

Then the rest of the day was great.  We went to the store, we painted pumpkins, we helped Paul in the yard, we played games on the Ipod.  Then, while I was making dinner inside with Kate, the kitchen completely engaged with knives, boiling pots, and food everywhere… Paul carries a bloodied Will inside and dumps him in the middle of the mess.  I had to get crying and sobbing Will into the shower, ice on his boo-boos, wash him off, and help him get dressed in the middle of the critical do-it-or-lose-it moment of dinner making.  Somehow, he recovered enough to have a good dinner, but fell apart soon after.  The whole event from last night repeated itself.

(Except for the ‘I’m sorry’ part.  That hasn’t happened… yet.)

I’m not sure what is happening with him.  Have I done something wrong?  Is he sick?  Is this normal acting out, just on a grand scale?  Is he reacting to his frustrations with his classmate?  We have no idea.

The only thing I know is that, at this point, I may be completely off the hook for having to plan a birthday party…?